Blindspot!
From Issue: 680 [Read full issue]
Guilt and Shame
Often, when we try to shame others or ourselves into changing a behaviour, we do so without understanding the differences between shame and guilt. This is important because guilt can often be a positive motivator of change, while shame typically leads to worse behaviour or paralysis. Here's why:
Guilt and shame are both emotions of self-evaluation; however, that is where the similarities end. The difference between shame and guilt is best understood as the differences between "I am bad" (shame) and "I did something bad" (guilt). Shame is about who we are and guilt is about our behaviours. If I feel guilty for cheating on a test, my self-talk might sound something like "I should not have done that. That was really stupid. Cheating is not something I believe in or want to do." If I feel shame about cheating on a test, my self-talk is more likely to sound like "I'm a liar and a cheat. I'm so stupid. I'm a bad person."
Guilt is holding an action or behaviour up against our ethics, values and beliefs. We evaluate that behaviour (like cheating) and feel guilt when the behaviour is inconsistent with who we want to be. Shame is focusing on who we are rather than what we've done. The danger of telling ourselves that we are bad, a cheat, and no good, is that we eventually start to believe it and own it. The person who believes she is "no good" is much more likely to continue to cheat and fulfill that label than the person who feels guilt.
Shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive behaviours than it is to be the solution. It is human nature to want to feel affirmed and valued. When we experience shame we feel disconnected and desperate for belonging and recognition. It's when we feel shame or the fear of shame that we are more likely to engage in self-destructive behaviours, to attack or humiliate others or to stay quiet when we see someone who needs our help.
On the other hand, when we apologize for something we've done, make amends to others or change a behaviour that we don't feel good about, guilt is most often the motivator. Recognizing we've made a mistake is far different than believing we are a mistake. Of course, you can shame someone into saying, "I'm sorry," but it's rarely authentic.
Compiled From:
"I Thought It Was Just Me" - Brene Brown, pp. 13, 14